Monday, March 6, 2017

3 Things I Suck at Mom-ing.

Now don't get me wrong, I think I'm a pretty good mom. My kids are both healthy and like to read and reasonably well adjusted. But I will not, as my friend and I joke often, be winning "Mom of the Year"...

There's always Next Year LOL!!!

So there here at least 3 things that I'm really bad at. (If you asked my 10 going-on-13 year old tween, I'm sure he would add another 100 thing, but then he can start his own blog can't he!)






I suck at:

1. Playing with toys. I can't even feign interest in their constantly evolving passions.  Once Daniel tried to teach me how to "play" Pokemon. (Are there rules? Does it EVER make any sense?! Whhaaaaaat?) I lasted about 3 minutes before I faked that dinner was burning or something and fled. My kids have learned that I don't like playing with toys. The occasional board game or cards, sure. Barbies? Superheros? Cars? No thank you. I may sit down for a minute, but then I see something that needs folding, cleaning or organizing and my kids roll their eyes at my furious muttering "Why are there Legos in the Barbie bin! Why are their Barbie shoes in the train set?!" and carry on on their own.





2. Keeping my cool. Maybe because I am paid to be patient all day, and I use up my reserves by the time I get home. Maybe it's because I'm 40 and humans were just not evolved to rear young at this age. (I should be a grandma by now, relaxing in the cave!) Whatever the reason, I'm not good at keeping my cool.  After the 2nd or 3rd time I've asked my kids to put their shoes on/brush their teeth/stop fighting/turn off the TV/etc my voice is at full throttle and my kids have donned their spittle guards.






3.  Not swearing.  Both my kids can swear like sailors, and it's not because they've been hanging out at the docks. Theoretically, I don't swear in front of my kids. But (see above) when I lose my cool because we're 10 minutes late getting out the door and they are fighting over a toy instead of putting their @#$% ing shoes on... well... Sorry, other, better moms. Yes, it was my kid who taught your precious snowflake the s/f/a whatever word. My bad.
Love you kids!



Saturday, February 25, 2017

the news.

When I first started studying in Durban, South Africa in 1997, our professor gave us an assignment: watch the news. And not just the English news, but also the news in languages we couldn't understand, Afrikaans and Zulu. (Durban is in Zulu province, and some of white population speaks Afrikaans as well as English. Yes, Zulu is the one with the clicks, but Xhosa has more. If you need to more, ask Trevor Noah...)

During Apartheid the news media was completely controlled by the government, and it was used as way to control the population.  News about the resistance to the racist minority rule was so strictly controlled that publishing an image of Nelson Mandela was harshly punished. Imprisoned for most of his adult life- for decades no one knew what the future President looked like, as the last photo of him was as a young man on trial. (I once was 3 feet from Madiba, God bless his memory forever.)

In 1997 there was freedom of the press and the country was actively working to re-dress the wrongs of its recent past.  However,  it wasn't always so clear cut.

Watch the news, our professor said, and see if you notice any differences. 

Which stories lead the hour? How much time is spent on each one? Which graphics, images or music are used, and what is the newscaster's emotional response or body language? Even without understand the words, you will learn a lot about how different groups of South Africans view their country. 

There are many versions of "the truth".

Yesterday I took my daughter shopping and out to eat in a more conservative, white, Republican part of our city. We sat in a crowded diner for her usual "chicken fingers and fries" and my bad coffee and worse salad. I noticed immediately that 1/2 the TVs were tuned to FoxNews. (Why oh why do we need to have TV's everywhere!?!)

Then I overheard the conversation between the two women in the booth behind us, which went something like:

"Well, I don't think Trump is polite or nice, but he is at least finally doing something about all this crime!"

I've been occasionally looking at the Fox News website to try and live outside my "bubble". (I think that whole concept of "liberal bubbles" is bull@#$% but that is another post that I haven't yet figured out how to write without cursing too much.)

Anyway, every few days I take a deep breath and I scroll through their top stories. And here is what I notice:

Polical stories are always first, and they are usually opinion pieces, not factual. As in, "Watch O'Reilly's take on how the liberal newsmedia is biased!"

The point of the view of the Administration is favored, pretty obviously. As in "The Trump team says...(and we agree!)"

Any articles about the Democratic Party (DNC) are usually about how they made a huge error or are in disagreement about something. As in "The DNC is again in a shambles over their future leadership!"

All the other top news is about an America (usually a white person) being hurt, injured, killed, maimed, lost or jailed (usually a black or brown person).

ALL THE OTHER STORIES are about crime. Scary, bloody, terrible crimes. No matter that they happened to that one lady that one time, they are TOP STORIES.  Sports, international affairs, science, the arts? ... nope, nope, nope. Just death and mayhem.

Cue the woman in the diner who says that despite his flaws at least the President is doing something about all this crime...

Even though the crime rate is the lowest in a generation or more. If you've been watching or reading Fox News, you would think that our country is overrun by brown-skinned criminals intent upon doing horrible, scary things to you and your family.

Yesterday the White House kept several reputatable news organizations out of a meeting with the press secretary. That has never happened before. Even under Nixon.

Yup, I just wrote a whole blog post comparing our news media to South African Apartheid and the Nixon Administration. I did not think I would be doing that a year ago.

Why are there TV's everywhere?!- To keep us distracted.
Why does Fox News highlight so much crime? - To keep us scared.
Why is the White House demonizing and locking out the press? - To keep us from hearing things from other points of view but theirs.

This is what I take away today:

Don't be distracted.
Don't be afraid.
Stay informed, and watch the news in other languages besides the one you know. 


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

you're nice.

This afternoon the kids had an argument over their rooms- Lily's bedroom is much smaller than her brother's, so the deal is that when he goes to college, she'll move into the bigger room (and re-paint it! she declares.) To which Daniel answered, "Then I'm NOT going to college!" Because: logic. Also: siblings.

So we ended up having a long discussion about how living at your college is really fun and cool and you get to practice being a grown-up, yadda, yadda, yadda. (I didn't mention the drinking.) We don't have him convinced, yet. But we do have at least 8 years.

The truth is that going away to college is a big goal of ours for our children. We don't wish for them to be academic super stars or attend the BEST colleges. We want them to explore the world. We want for them the amazing privilege we received by studying away, and studying abroad.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a little bit about my experience studying in South Africa.  I spent 4 months living and studying in Durban, then I flew home, watched 18 solid hours of X-FILES on VHS tapes (thanks for recording every Sunday sis!) and then boarded a plane for South Dakota.

Cultural whiplash much? Yup. And Mulder and Scully didn't help. I was kind of a mess when I arrived in the tiny town of S_____, South Dakota.  Pop. 1000.


It's only been recently that I've realized the extraordinary privilege I had to spend the summer in South Dakota. It was a challenging summer for me because it was SO BORING for a 21 year old fresh off an African adventure. But, as the art teacher in the town Boys and Girls club, I did get to work and live and hang out with Lakota people for 2 months.

Most Americans have had limited contact with Indians/Native Americans/First Peoples. Our collective cultural knowledge is as deep as the Disney movies and "crying Indian" Facebook memes. I am certainly no expert and I am very aware of my ignorance. One summer mixing paint and playing pool with 15 Lakota kids makes me an expert in pretty much nothing re: Indian Country. But I do know that it is another world, those reservation/nations. A beautiful, hard, and isolated one which sadly, not enough Americans ever see.

Here was the weird thing about this little town (maybe it's changed since then?). There were 1000 people living in a town with ONE streetlight and there was TWO of everything. Two small town newspapers, two bakeries, two bars, two groceries, two churches, two general stores, two local radio stations. Why? Because half the town was Lakota, and the other half was white. The tiny town was segregated, right down the middle. My 21-year-old self could not fathom this. WHY!? I mean, Indians are the good guys who remind us not to litter! duh!? Isn't racism, like, for African-Americans and Latinos? 

21 year olds are sooooo dumb, and they think they are soooo smart.

I worked at the Boys and Girls Club, which was managed by the Lakota community. All the kids were Lakota.  We spent our days eating donated Christmas themed peanut butter cups and commodity food, doing art projects, playing pool and just hanging out.

One afternoon I took a group of kids to the local playground. The younger ones ran around while the older ones sat on a picnic table with me and chatted. After a while another camp van pulled up and a group of blond strapping kids piled out. They were obviously from the white Vacation Bible Camp. All the little Lakota kids came running over to my picnic table and said, let's go! The older kids started to stand up and walk towards our van. I laughed and said, "Where are you going? We don't have to leave!" One of the older girls said, "but the wasicu  (Lakota slang for white people) are here!".

"So what!" I laughed. Then I saw their faces, how scared they were.

"Guys, it's okay. We can still play here."

Rolled eyes. More movement towards the van.

"You guys?! Don't you know I'm wasicu too right?!"

"No you're not!" They all said in unison. "You're nice!"

I don't think I spoke a word after that. I just got up and opened up the van, and drove us all back to the cozy safety of the Club. My white privilege, previously invisible to me, had just been dumped like cold water all over my head.

you're nice.

20 years later, and I wonder what that little town is like. I wonder if it's still segregated. I wonder if  brown and blond kids play together in the park. I wonder if any of the little boys and girls I played pool with that summer, who are now young men and women, spent part of this year at Standing Rock.

Today the Standing Rock Water Protectors were removed from the protest site they had held for months. The construction crews will move in, and the oil pipeline with be laid down across their land.

you're nice.

There is so much news in the world. In our hyper-connected, 24 hours news cycle world we hear about everything, but are deeply connected to so little. It is like sipping from a firehouse. There is water aplenty, but you cannot quench your thirst. It is rare that a news story from far away, that is happening to a people you don't know and will never meet, can pierce through that and still you. Which leads to our newsfeeds filling with ever more fervent headlines and frantic "SHARE THIS" "WATCH THIS!" THIS THIS THIS!.

How can we feel anything in this din? How can we connect to the world?

I wish for my children, and all children, to travel the world, study with people different from themselves, and see just how beautiful and how diverse we humans are. As Ethiopian adoptees, they've already had their world turned upside down. They know deeply how fragile and terrible the world can be. What I wish for them is to see the strength of the people around the globe. The strength of Africans, who survived and thrived in their forced diaspora around the world. The strength of my European immigrant ancestors, who braved hardships and deprivation to build a new life in America.  The strength of Native peoples, which was finally visible to millions of people because of the brave warriors at Standing Rock.

I was very, very lucky to travel and study abroad as a young woman.  If only more Americans, especially white Americans, could have the experience of having their world turned upside down and their identity shaken, because then, THEN, we might be better citizens of the planet. We white folks could certainly use a dousing of cold water to wake us from the stupor of our invisible privilege.

Then we might know that being nice is not enough.

My world was turned upside down 20 years ago and it's still turning back around. For which, today, I am especially grateful.

http://standwithstandingrock.net