Time for Bed!

snug as a bug in mommy's bed last summer

A good friend asked me, not long after Daniel and Lily came home, "What was my favorite part of being a mother?"

"Bedtime," I answered quickly.

My friend (who doesn't have kids yet) was kind of horrified. I've told this story to many parents, though, and they all nod their heads in agreement.

Bedtime is the best time of the day. Or, to be specific, the best moment is right AFTER they have all fallen asleep, and the house has finally gone quiet, and their sweet little faces nestled in their blankets makes you forget all the drama and turmoil and ridiculousness that might have just happened, or the fact that they have been driving you crazy all day and you are so grateful they are finally, finally, quiet and peaceful. That moment is very sweet.

Because then you know, you've done it. You have kept these precious children alive and relatively happy and hopefully relatively healthy for one more day. They are sleeping, and hopefully they will remain blissfully asleep for many more hours while you get on with doing all the things you need to do or like to do when your children aren't underfoot.

Like the dishes.

Or watching grown up TV.

Or reading.

Or sleeping.

Or pretty much anything that requires quiet, privacy, concentration, or all three of those things. Yes, that is what I'm thinking about too. *

A successful bedtime is cause for celebration. I'll never forget the first night we spent with our children in our own home. Jet lag helped us get everyone to sleep very early and very quickly.  Andrew and I cracked up beers and toasted each other. Hooray! We did it! And then we fell asleep because, jet lag.

Which is why, when you have a child who is bad sleeper, life can get so very very hard so very very quickly.

You might get them to go to sleep, but then you wait, anxiously. Will they sleep all night? Will they wake up screaming? Will we be able to get them back to sleep quickly? How many times will they wake? Do I dare try to (watch a movie, pay bills, try to reconnect with a friend or email or husband?) or should we just go to sleep right now because we are going to be woken up 5 times before dawn?

Bedtime becomes a horrible little game of Russian roulette. In our case, this nasty sleepless game lasted about 2 years. Or maybe 18 months. Or maybe longer... honestly it's kind of all a blur. It was a long time, and it was very unpleasant for everyone, that's all I know for sure.

In our case, Lily started having night terrors when she was about 2 1/2 years old. Around the same time, NOT coincidentally, that she started potty training and she moved into her own room, and also into a toddler bed. (The details of this horror show can be read here, here, here, and here.) We made some pretty bad parenting decisions. Also not coincidentally, because we were not getting any sleep and also it was 2AM. Nothing good happens after 2AM, I think that we can all agree on that.

So from around Fall of 2012 until about Fall of 2014, Lily had big sleep struggles. For a long time she slept in our bed. For a long time she needed one of us to rock with her or sit with her until she fell asleep. For a long time bedtime was a 1-2 hour slog. The worst was when you'd get a full night sleep and wake up and think, "Wow, I feel GREAT!"  And then the next night's 3AM (4AM, 5AM) sleep interruptions feel SO MUCH WORSE.

Eventually, though, after weeks and weeks of hard work, and the miracle of her simply getting older, she learned to fall asleep on her own, and for the most part, sleep on her own all night. (Shh! Don't jinx it!)

In fact, the other morning after she'd accidentally wet the bed (a pretty common and normal occurrence) I asked her to come sleep in my bed, as I didn't feel like getting up and changing her wet sheets. And here is this child, who slept in my bed for TWO YEARS yelling at me,

"I want to sleep in my own bed! I don't want to sleep with you!"

So now I'm arguing with her about how she needs to sleep in my bed... oh, the irony.

Here is what I've learned from parenting a child with some sleep challenges:

1. The most important thing is that everyone sleeps.

2. The most important thing is that everyone sleeps. In bed together, on the floor, on their own, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Sleep "training" is for selling books. Do whatever makes sense for your family as long as everyone is sleeping healthily.

3. Do not make any decisions at 2AM. They will be poor ones.



* My mom reads my blog. Hi Mom!

My Kids' Bedtime is Ruining My Life

I tried to come up with a less dramatic title, but I'm feeling a bit dramatic these days. There's a lot going on around here. If I could only have a bit more quiet and time to sort it all out... Unfortunately my kids, BOTH of them, have also recently become Bedtime Resistant.

About 18 months ago (in our old house, sigh), we had a few months of beautiful bedtimes. About 7PM I gave Lily a cup of warm milk, rocked her for a while, sang some songs, then placed in her crib. (Crib! Sob.) She would lie back with her doll and wave her little chubby fingers at me. About 20 minutes later, Daniel and I would tiptoe in their room and I would tuck him in. Lily was usually asleep by then, her little diapered butt in the air. He was usually asleep in minutes. 8:00PM: both kids sound asleep.

Those were the days.

Lily has quite a history of sleep struggles. Some of them are her age, some attachment/ adoption trauma related. Some are due to her enlarged adenoids. (The surgery to shrink them is next week.) She stills spends most of the night in our bed. She has yet to sleep through the night.

Daniel has always been our sleep champion. Sigh. But lately...

You know that e-book that made the rounds of the internet last year... " Go the $&@? to Sleep"?

That's our nights now.

Including the cursing.

And it's RUINING OUR LIVES!!

Andrew and I taking turns (torturing ourselves) doing bedtime. Which means one of us is upstairs responding to requests for water and complaints about which bedtime book is being read while the other one gets to relax. Or: blog, pay bills, read, make phone calls, answer emails and in general, be an adult. But we don't get to be together. By the time both kids are asleep, we are ready to collapse too. Lily has been averaging falling asleep at 9:45 PM. She takes a (required, mandated, non-negotiable) 2 hour nap at day care. She's really not tired until I am. Daniel, I think, doesn't like that his baby sister stays up later then him. So he's sporting some pretty dark circles under his eyes these days.

So what's a mom to do...

At least it's the weekend. No naps! Bedtime kiddos!

Hope your weekend involves some good rest too...

can't sleep...

Every few weeks Lily has a night when she just isn't sleepy.  Tonight is one of those nights, alas, which is why she is wide awake right now one hour past her bedtime, calling out randomly from her darkened room every few minutes.  "Mommy my nose is running!". "Mommy I need lotion!".  Sigh.  Thankfully this is only every few weeks.  Most nights (knocking on every piece of wood handy) she goes down quietly around 7PM. Tonight she might outlast me.

The first time she had a no-sleep evening was one of our first as a family. The very first night she fell asleep nearly instantly the moment I started rocking her.  There was no electricity in our guest house- Ethiopia, like many African nations, has spotty electricity service, especially during the messy rainy season. So it was quite dark.  The first night she passed out from exhaustion- it had been a momentous day, to say the least.  But a couple of nights later, she just couldn't fall asleep. Daniel was sound asleep (God bless that boy, he has been a good sleeper since day one!), and she was tossing and turning. So, we bundled her up and took her out onto the balcony of our room. It was cold; it had been raining all day.  We sat cuddled up in the cold dark, admiring our cheerful smart little baby who was so charming and bright, even though she was supposed to be sleeping. Eventually she started to get sleepy, and we all headed inside to bed.

Tonight I was about to get really angry at Lily for disrupting my evening and refusing to sleep, and then I remembered that first sleepless evening together.  We were so young as family, so new to being parents, that we didn't know to get upset about a not-sleepy baby. We hadn't gone through our rounds of sleep battles. We just wrapped ourselves up in blankets and sat together.  I remembered that night in Ethiopia, and I stopped being angry. I picked her up and wrapped her in her quilt, and we just sat together.


Shhhh.... she's finally asleep.

Good night.

Adventures in Co-Sleeping

Before my kids came home I swore they would never sleep in my bed.

Then my kids came home.

And now we are co-sleeping with Lily.

Ah, how the mighty have fallen!  For the record, I also swore that we wouldn't watch TV, never eat junk food and never visit Disney.  So far I'm prevailed on only one of those things (sorry Disney).

If you've been following along the last few months (sleep saga parts one, two, three), you'll know that Lily has gone through a series of sleeping struggles.  The low point was right after Christmas. One night we spent about 4 hours sleeping and about 5 hours screaming (everybody- it was a house of crying/screaming/yelling ugliness).

We don't want to go that low again.  We want everyone to sleep peacefully. So last week we decided to follow our instincts, Lily's obvious needs, and the wisdom of Mary at Finding Magnolia. We started having Lily sleep in our bed all night. She falls asleep in her own room around 7PM. When we are ready to go to sleep a couple of hours later, we transfer her to our bed. (She usually stays asleep despite being moved.)  Since we started co-sleeping this way, she's gone to bed peacefully and stayed asleep all night, waking up at about 6:30AM.  No more night terrors, no more bedtime fights.  She's even stopped kicking and tossing during the night, which means all three of us are sleeping peacefully.  If only our stubborn pride and determination to "make her sleep in her own bed!" kept us from this solution weeks ago.

Parenting is very humbling.

The only down side is I think Daniel might be a little jealous. So on weekends we encourage him to pile in with us in the mornings... a little extra cuddle time before the day begins.

I have a few resolutions about teen parenting that I hold dear... and I can see now that they might also need to be thrown out the window. We'll see how we hold the line at "no make up til 16" and "no cell phone til you have a job."

Ha!

Night Terrors

don't I look so cute in my pajamas!?

Whenever I am trying to solve my latest parenting dilemma, I go through a little series of questions:

Is this adoption related? Trauma related? Attachment issue? Developmental? 

Not that knowing the answer to those questions is possible or even helpful. It's just that the fact that my kids were born on another continent to other parents in a different culture and language, then lost those parents/culture/language and came home to us adds another layer of complication to every parenting dilemma.  Because parenting is complicated, and adoptive parenting is a complicated +.

This latest round of sleep struggles with Lily has really been putting us through the ringer. It's so, so complicated.  She's going through an attachment phase. She's going through a developmental change (potty training). She's experiencing trauma fears related to locked doors (in November we had to bash her door in after she accidentally locked herself in).  She's had an upper respiratory thing happening.  Everything is related and everything is keeping her from being able to sleep all night in her own bed.  And the fact that weeks have gone by without one good nights sleep means that she's seriously tired and that makes sleeping even more difficult.

Sigh.

And, let's face it, I'm not a good parent at 1AM.  In fact, I'm a really terrible, angry, crazed, irrational parent.  An irrational toddler with sleep issues + an irrational parent who is really, really tired = CRAZY NIGHTS.

So here's the thing... everybody's got advice and opinions about sleep. I do, I have lots. None of them matter. We can't go back and undo the mistakes and mis-steps that led us to the situation we have now. We can only go forward and try to get to the promised land... that holy grail of sleeping all night without waking up.

The interesting thing is, Lily is now old enough to understand what is going on. She gets that she needs to sleep in her own bed. She is able to talk about what she wants; she's got lots of little manipulative tricks for NOT sleeping. "I have to go potty." "My boo-boo hurts." "My head is itchy." "I'm scared/cold/hot."  BUT, she's developed so much anxiety around sleeping independently that she is able to keep herself awake for HOURS.

And she's got night terrors. It took us a while to figure that out, with everything else going on.  They are fairly common and fairly un-treatable. She wakes up, in an icy sweat, about 45 minutes after first falling asleep.  She's terrified, screaming and confused.  Last night she was pounding on the wall of her bedroom, trying to open what she thought was a locked door.  We're trying keeping her colder at night, and reducing the stimulation she gets just before bed.  That's a tricky one, because around bedtime is usually when my kids decide it's time for a Justin Beiber dance party.

Anyway, if you are praying kind, please pray for peaceful sleep for Lily. If you are the wishing kind, please wish for peaceful sleep. If you are an expert on night terrors, please leave a comment!

Wishing you a good night. ;)  

The Accidental Co-Sleeper

Lily has been sleeping in our bed for the past couple of weeks. I haven't even wanted to blog about our latest round of sleep issues because one, I'm embarrassed, and two, I'm in that stage now when I know I'm supposed to be cherishing my alive, healthy children, but the truth is they are driving me crazy. Daniel because after a period of truce, we are again struggling with peaceful mornings. Lily because she will not sleep in her bed.

How did we arrive here!?? Ahhhhh!!

There is no use crying about it, because here is where we are. I blame what I call a series of unfortunate events:

1. I was sick
2. Lily was sick
3. (WORST PARENTING DECISION, so far) We let Lily watch the Thriller video
4. We spent two nights at a retreat with one two few beds, so Lily ended up snuggled with me in a twin.
5. Lily locked herself in her room one night and we had to break the door down. The door has not yet been replaced completely. A new one is hung, but it doesn't close right and has no handles. Our home repairs are a bit lax.

So now we've got a two year old who is scared of the dark (Thank you Michael Jackson!), and has no door to her room.

Having her sleep with us wouldn't be that bad except that she is a kicker. So instead of three sleeping people in one bed we have one sleeping toddler and two adults who take turns getting kicked in the back all night.

The night after the door incident we decided that the solution was to have Lily sleep in Daniel's room, on the lower bunk.  Daniel was very enthusiastic. He'd been begging us for weeks for them to co-sleep. He has fond memories of sleeping with all his brothers and sisters in their home in Ethiopia. In Africa, co-sleeping is the rule, not the exception. Daniel waxes nostalgic about how they all lined up together on one little bed. Unfortunately after being an American for over a year he's gotten used to having his own bed to stretch out in. He soon discovered that Lily is a kicker and refused to snuggle with her. Much to her distress. Our "African Sleep Solution" lasted only a week.

And this is how we got to last nights epic, three hour bedtime battle. Which I lost. And it was my turn to get kicked in the back all night. Which is why I'm finally writing about it, because someday in the midst of another battle I'll want to be reminded of the ones I've already been through.

And also so I can make a teen-age Lily read it and say, "See!? You See!?"

By the way, before you offer advice:  Yes, she has dolls and snuggle toys. Yes we have a white noise machine and soothing night lights, and she's not sick. And yes, we know we will have to let her scream it out, and yes, it is going to totally suck. I'm still hoping this is a phase. :)

Sleep. Arghh...

Well, wouldn't you know, the night after I post a big long piece about sleep issues- Lily keeps everyone up for 3 hours. At 1AM she woke and ran screaming around the apartment until I caught her, and then tossed and turned and cried until 4AM. The fact that this was also the night before the first day of school made for a very grumpy mommy, and a backslide into all the pitfalls of our previous sleep battles. Namely:

1. We didn't have a game plan before nighttime.

2. The fact that we didn't have a pre-determined strategy meant that we got into a fight over what to do, while also dealing with a screaming toddler at 1AM.

3. The stress of Mom and Dad being at odds with one another only added to Lily's stress at being awake and being unable to fall sleep.

Having Lily transition into a toddler bed has been difficult, but not more difficult than our previous sleep issues.  It doesn't help, however, that while I try to get her back in her bed over and over again, old episodes of Super Nanny replay in my head.  The horrors!

Wow, I miss the crib, so, so much.

We still don't have a strategy worked out. We are naively hoping that Wednesday's sleepless night was a fluke. We are also hoping against hope that she will go peacefully to sleep in her bed without us present, despite much evidence to the contrary.  Somehow I imagine that I can have a rational conversation with my toddler that will go something like this:

"Lily, I know that sleeping in a big girl bed is a big deal. It may take you a little longer to fall asleep at night while you adjust to this new freedom you have.  But, you'll feel sooo much better in the morning if you've had a good night's sleep. So let's lie down and have a good night, okay?

"Okay mommy."

"Great. Goodnight darling!"

End Scene.

Instead, last night went something like this:

"Night night Lily."

She opens the door. "Mommy boo-boo" Points to her perfectly healthy elbow.

I put her back in bed. "Go to sleep. Good night"

She opens the door. "Mommmmyyyyyy".

I put her back in bed. The Super Nanny nightmares begin.

She opens the door. Says nothing, just stands there waiting for me to see her.

Back in bed, slightly more forcefully.

I hear thumping and rattling. Go in to find she's up and has taken everything out of her drawers.

Close drawers loudly. Put her back in bed. Cursing under my breath now.

Lock her room from the outside.

"Good night Lily."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Moooooommmmmmmyyyyyyyyy....."

This lasts about 20 minutes.

Go in to find every single item in her room tossed on the floor, the lights on and her sitting in the middle of the mess screaming.  Now know what inspired The Exorcist.

Calm her, rock her, sit with her on her bed til she falls asleep. 2 false starts towards the door. Baby girl is now sleeping with one eye open and is trigger ready to tantrum. Finally get out at 9PM, two hours after bedtime.  Fall asleep on the couch 20 minutes into Project Runway.

End Scene.

I couldn't bear to take a photo of the unholy mess that we found in her room this morning. (She woke up at 5:30AM) So this post will remain bereft of redeeming adorable photo. Sigh.

She's taking a nap now. Fingers crossed?

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

One of our adoption books sternly told us that it is not healthy for a recently adopted child to simply go to sleep, sleep through the night, and wake up in the morning. (Something about attachment and trust and blah, blah, blah...)  The first night we were home, both kids collapsed from exhaustion  fell sweetly asleep and slept through the night (mostly). Andrew and I cracked open some beer and said "Cheers! Thank You! Sleep! Amen!"

Here's the thing about "sleep training" I didn't realize before becoming a parent. You don't do it once. You do it over and over and over and over...

We are in phase 357 of our "sleep training" Lily. I think "sleep adjustment" is a more accurate term. Lily has been growing and adjusting, and we have been adjusting, continuously, since one year ago.

The other thing about sleep it that it is unique to each child. That's why all those sleep books sell so well. As soon as a new one is published it flies off the shelf. "Maybe this one will cure our sleep problems!"  The truth is that any one person's advice can only be partially helpful.  The best advice I've ever gotten is: Do what works and trust your instincts.  Here's the path we've been on with our sleeping/less child.

Phase 1: I'm a baby and I'll cry if I want milk.

When Lily first came home, at 15 months, she was still very much a baby. She had just learned to walk, she knew only a couple of words ("da da!"), and she drank formula by the gallon (it seemed).  She had been so tiny for so long and was still making up weight. At the care center in Ethiopia she'd been woken up to be fed during the night. When she came home she woke up once, sometimes twice a night for a bottle (well, a cup feeding... that's another post).   She ate quickly and fell right back to sleep. It was beautiful, if dangerous to try and heat formula while sleep walking.  Then we went to see Dr. Aronson ("The Orphan Doctor") who told us to stop feeding her formula, and certainly stop feeding her at night. @#$%!

Phase 2: I'm still a baby and I'll cry if I want milk!!!!!

So we started weaning her off her night feedings, and off formula all together. Sigh. This was no fun for anyone. I remember one night standing in her room holding her. She was screaming bloody murder, but I was so exhausted that I wasn't really awake.  In the dream I was having, she wasn't crying (or something- really this phase is all a big blur.) Andrew finally came in and woke me up, because clearly standing there in the dark with my eyes closed, holding a screaming child, was not working.

Somehow we managed the weaning to milk (slowing adding less and less formula and more whole milk to her cup.) Somehow we managed to get her to sleep through the night.  It took a long time.

Here's the thing about "sleep adjusting": You don't make your most rational decisions at 2AM.  And you certainly can't have a reasonable difference of opinion with your spouse at 2AM while your child screams.  There were a lot of hurt feelings and recriminations during this phase. Lots of "morning after" de-briefs and whispered "consultations." Fights. There was a lot of tearful fighting.

Phase 3: What do you mean, morning doesn't begin at 4:30AM!?

Once we'd convinced Lily that she didn't need milk during the night, she got really, really attached to her morning cup.  So she started moving her mornings earlier and earlier.  Til they weren't so much mornings as nights.  Once again we had negotiations about what time was okay for her to wake up, and who was going to get up with her. Sigh. Then there was a few weeks of one of us sleeping with her on the couch after her "morning bottle".  This was not fun for anyone. Then, miraculously, she did it. She fell asleep in our arms after some time in the rocking chair, slept through the night, and woke up in the morning (the real morning). Then:

Phase 4: Daylight @#$%ing Savings Time.

The less said about this, the better. All that hard work "sleep training", all those lovely long nights of peaceful slumber went out the window. Night wakings, hours long scream fests, 4:30 AM mornings. It sucked.

Phase 5: Mommy and Daddy aren't playing anymore.

By now Andrew and I had figured out our game plan. We no longer fought about sleep parenting in the middle of the night.  We had strategy sessions; we had a plan. We were a team. Lily had figured out that if she didn't fall asleep right away, she could get mommy's attention for hours.... So she started keeping herself awake, and it took us longer and longer to rock her to sleep.  You could see her fighting it- literally holding her eyes open. We realized it was time to get her to fall asleep on her own, in her crib. Sigh. This was not fun for anyone.

Phase 6: Whatever works.

Sometimes Lily fell asleep quietly in her crib without crying. Sometimes she screamed for an hour. Sometimes we took her out of the crib so Daniel could fall asleep, then tried again.  Sometimes she took  a long nap and couldn't get sleepy at night. Sometimes she wouldn't nap, and barely made it through dinner. But, we tried to stay consistent, and we tried to keep our cool.

Last weekend she moved into a toddler bed.  So we are in the next phase. Bedtime now takes a lot longer some nights. She often needs one of us to stay in the room with her to remind her to stay in the bed and deal with the innumerable distractions she now has... all those toys now within reach, all those hair ribbons to play with! She, like her brother,  can now get out of bed and gain our attention with the flimsiest of excuses.  We have reached the stage the book said was healthy. Our children are not so exhausted by their very existence in our family that they collapse into a deep sleep at night. Our children trust that we will be there to give them another glass of water, or kiss a (pretend) boo-boo, or relieve an anxiety that looms in the dark.

Sometimes I miss rocking my baby to sleep.  But I certainly don't miss the formula, or the night feedings, or the unholy 2AM screaming.  There are some benefits to all that hard work of growing up.

To all those parents and would-be parents out there, I wish you-  A Good Night's Sleep!

A whole new ball game...

The crib is gone.

She's got a toddler bed now.

She can open her bedroom door when she wakes up and wander the house. Or, come find us, as she usually does.

Got to start locking the apartment door from the inside. And make sure the stove is baby proofed. And double check the location of all knives, scissors, sharpies and pens.

Pray for us.

Relapses...

Well. That didn't work.

How many times as a parent (or as a person? co-worker? partner? teacher?) do we have to admit to ourselves that our attempts have just... well, they've outright failed?

So it was with our "big girl bed".  Two nights, and the crib is back together.

inside an urban child's bedroom

Lily was so excited to see her new room, her new "big girl bed", but she's just not ready. She needs the crib confinement for a while longer.  We learned this the hard way, over two sleepless nights.  A lot about adoption and parenting is learned the hard way, I find. Or maybe it's just my preferred learning style.  I don't know, but it was very bittersweet having to put the crib "prison" back together. Good thing I'm handy with my IKEA allen wrench.

We'll see what her reaction is when she comes home today and sees her "baby bed".  Are toddlers old enough to have regret? Will she think, oh wow, I really should have tried harder to stay/sleep in my new bed? Probably not.

So much about parenting these kids is just a big mystery. How was Daniel as a baby? How did he sleep? What was his relationship like with his first parents? What was that last day like? How much of Lily's behavior is her expressing grief and confusion about her past and how much is just her (crazy toddler) personality?  I often wonder, "What would (birthparents names) do?"  Since their daily lives are so, so different from ours, it's often hard to even translate the question. There are no IKEAs in Ethiopia.  Their family slept all together on a mattress. Allen wrenches, bedtime routines, white noise machines, nightlights, toys, good night books, stuffed animals, alarm clocks, cribs, toddler beds, bunk beds.... None of these exist in rural Africa.

What would they do? Shake their heads at me and my crazy questions, probably.

inside a rural Ethiopian home

Glimpses

I just got Lily to sleep, finally.  This is her first night in her very own room, in her very own "big girl bed". (Well, her crib with the rails taken off.)  She may not be quite ready for so many big changes. She had a hard time falling asleep. A hard time knowing that it was time to stop opening drawers and playing with her dolls. But, it's summer and I have the time it takes to paint, put furniture together and relocate toys and dolls and clothes, so it had to be done.  Sometimes we are just not quite ready for the big changes in our lives, but those changes happen anyway.

As I watched her fall asleep, looking so "grown up",  I found myself imagining glimpses of her at older ages... her as a taller, thinner 4 year old, her as a pouty teen, her as an exhausted young mother, falling asleep face down on her pillow.  Sometimes it's as if all the ages of herself are already there, locked inside her. Perhaps because she has already seen so much of the world, perhaps because she looks so much like her older siblings and birth family, perhaps because she has such a Personality.

But I think we can see glimpses in all children.  Sometimes I look at my students and for a moment I see them as adults... the cop, the doctor, the business woman, the professor. (I love to dream that my working class/immigrant students will attain those positions.)  Sometimes I can see glimpses of a darker nature... who might be the one arguing with the cop, or needing treatment from a doctor.

In my son's face, I can see two glimpses. In his smiling, running face I can see a young man, powerful, joyful to be learning to drive, handsome and proud to show off his muscles to girlfriends.  My son so longs to be grown up. He constantly asks at what age he can drive, at what age he can buy a motorcycle (never!)... I plead with him not to rush his already (in my experience) shortened childhood, but he would jump through time.

The other glimpse I see is when he is angry or frustrated and his face sets into a stubborn scowl, and I see him as many others would, and perhaps will; an angry black man, a menace. Will he learn to soothe that scowl, to show that he is not dangerous or threatening, even when angry and frustrated?  Will the scowl remain on his heart, shortening his temper and his vision?

When my children first came home, their very different personalities quickly emerged.  I used to explain to friends just meeting them that Daniel looks tough on the outside, but is in fact very sweet.  Lily looks very sweet, but is tough as nails.  Slowly their inner selves are being to match their outer ones.  Lily has some tough looks, and Daniel's young sweetness is growing up... into what, I'm not sure yet.

Tonight my children are sleeping in their very own rooms. The crib is dismantled, the high chair is on its way out the door.  This weekend we'll be buying big boy bunk beds.

I am totally not ready for this change.

To sleep. Or not.

We're on vacation right now, which has been lovely. Especially when the grandparents are around to play with, distract, chase, cuddle, read to and help clean up after our two balls of energy. I am missing our small apartment, with its baby proofing and door locks and my ability to see or hear them wherever I am. This big beach house we are in has so many doors! Lily, especially, finds this highly amusing. I don't know why I packed any toys, when they mostly just want to open, run through, and slam doors all day long.

Chasing Lily through a big house is one reason this first summer vacation with children has proven vastly different.  The other is our (is just mine?) children's different ideas about vacation sleeping.  Andrew and I love to sleep in, especially on vacation.  Or as we say now, "sleep in". (because 6:30AM is not really other people's idea of sleeping in. Except maybe fishermen or farmers.)  Our kids, on the other hand, normally get up early, and when we are on vacation they get up extra early. I mean, there is just so much to do! And what do you mean we can't go to the beach at 6AM?  Lily's record this week is 4:30AM.  Vainly we tried to get her to snuggle in our bed with us, read a quiet book, maybe whisper a quiet song... nope. She's up! And she wants everyone else to be UP!

Which means that we are putting our exhausted, sandy, grass in the hair, mosquito bitten, tired and happy kids to sleep while the sun is still high in the sky and the heat shimmering in the windows.

I've gotten a lot of raised eyebrows and laughs, even criticism from others when they found out our kids' sleep schedule.  I brush them off, because, really as parents we need to stop being so critical of each other, and anyway... you don't live in my house, so what do you care?!

When we first planned for our adoption and did our required reading, sleep was a big concern for me. I like and need my sleep, and don't function well when over-tired. I read horror stories about traumatized, newly brought home adoptees who screamed and cried through the night.  We were prepared to sleep on our kids' floor, set whatever schedules they needed... we braced ourselves for the worst.

Lucky, lucky us. Jet lag worked in our favor. The first day we came home we bathed, fed and settled the kids in, and they were both sound asleep at 5:30PM.  Slowly we inched our way into our own time zone, but we never made it much further.  Daniel sleeps from about 7:30PM to 6:30AM, and Lily sleeps from about 7PM to about 6AM (plus a 2 hour nap), give or take a few horrible sleepless nights around daylight savings time or illnesses.

"What!?" You ask, "they sleep that much?!!!" Yes, yes they do. Because being adopted is exhausting.

Hearing and learning a brand new language all day is exhausting. Being with and learning a whole new family is really, really, exhausting. Navigating a new culture and social norms is exhausting.  Daniel, especially, sleeps like a rock. He once fell out of his bed, and (hearing a thud) I picked him up and tucked him back in and he never even cracked an eyelid.

So enjoy your late night dinners, your sunset cruises, your moonlit walks. We will continue to pull our light blocking shades all the way down and get some rest.  We've got an early morning alarm clock and she doesn't have a snooze button.