Trusting my mom-stincts

little ones

I remember about 3 days after our children came home from Ethiopia with us an acquaintance at the playground said (to my terrified, jet lagged, overwhelmed self) "Don't worry. Your instincts will kick in."

Well, it took a while, but they did. Five years later I can say that I've finally learned to trust my mom-instincts. ("mom-stincts"! ha! Do I live with a 9 year old boy? Yes, yes I do.)  At first I didn't trust myself- I was too busy drowning. Becoming a first time parent to two children, ages 1 and 5, from another country overnight was a little hard. It's still hard.

But I've learned to trust myself. Which is why when this morning, after Daniel said for the 2nd day in a row that he didn't feel well, we went to the pediatrician. Daniel has been sick exactly once in 5 years. In Kindergarten he had a mild fever for one day. All the flus, stomach bugs, coughs, and respiratory infections his sister and his poor parents get every year? Pass him by. He gets a stuffy nose about once every winter.  At 5 years old his body fought off, permanently, a virulent case of Hep-C. He is a tough kid.

So after watching him spend a day laying on the couch, we went to the doctor.  Sure enough, he's got strep throat. (And he still doesn't have a fever or sore throat - his symptoms were: tired with a mild stomachache.)  I knew he must be really sick. Mom-stincts for the win!

I still make plenty of mistakes as a parent. Just ask my kids! They would give you an earful about my yelling, my arbitrary rule creations, my crazy obsession with limiting their screen time. I make plenty of errors due to crankiness and exhaustion. Most of the bigger mistakes, however, are when I don't trust myself. When I take advice from others instead of trusting what I know is best for my family. When I follow our cultural parenting rule book instead of my gut.

So my friend in the park was right- my instincts did kick in. And then I had to learn to trust them.

Baking with children

This post is dedicated to my mom...

Happy Pi Day! (Or, as I learned from the silly radio station we listen to on our way to school - Happy Potato Chip Day! And Happy Napping Day! - Who comes up with (and is probably paid good money for) these ridiculous celebrations of the mundane?! And more importantly, how can I get in on that gig!?)

Anyway, it's March 14th and Daniel recently discovered a love for apple pie. I'm happy to encourage any habit or interest that ends up with sweet deliciousness.

So this weekend I ended up with both children in the kitchen, baking.

I have some very sweet memories of baking with my mother in our little kitchen. My sister and I stood on either side of her as she guided us through baking bread or cookies or cutting out pastries. None of those memories include the amount of yelling, destruction or chaos that my own children experienced with me yesterday. I also don't remember my mom needing to pour herself a stiff drink afterwards, but perhaps she did...

Baking with children is one of those things that SOUNDS like a great idea, and will probably create the kind of sweetly scented memories we will cherish 25 years from now... but in the moment it's all:

Don't touch that!
No, NOT the salt! The sugar!
Put that down!
Don't use the knife to smash eggs!
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!


But in the end, we did create a pie. A lopsided,  funky looking, unevenly moist, over sugared, but still delicious pie. The kids were thrilled. Actually, Daniel was thrilled. Lily wouldn't touch it, preferring her vanilla ice cream plain.
(Lily loves the idea of dessert, and always requests elaborate birthday cakes, but never eats a bite!)

Baking with children: not for the faint of heart. Just like parenting:messy, exhausting, surprising, and in the end, delicious.

Happy Pi Day!

Three ways to help your marriage outlast your kids' childhood. Part 2.

It's no secret that raising kids is tough on a marriage. The sleep deprivation alone is enough to make your normally happy relationship fraught with tension and resentment. Romance, date nights, lazy Sundays together, brunch: all of those are kind of out the window when you have young kids.

BUT,  you don't have to wait til your kids are grown up to enjoy a happy marriage. In fact, you really shouldn't! It's not like your relationship has a "pause" button. (Well, maybe it does, but not a 18 year pause.)

There are three things we do to keep our marriage from falling apart under the pressure of raising children.

1. We invest time and money in our relationship. Time and money are in short supply all the time, especially when you have little kids (daycare, ballet lessons, co-pays, new shoes, school supplies... Kids are expensive!) This year Andrew and I very intentionally set aside a bit of our budget for a monthly date. We try to schedule the date early, before our calendars are filled up with family gatherings, sporting events, playdates and school functions. So far we've had 4 dates in 4 months, with only one of those interrupted by a frantic phone call from the babysitter about a sick kid. We try to plan our dates to be a little bit more than just dinner out. We plan a "grown-up" outing that we wouldn't enjoy as much with the kids in tow. We visit a museum, or take a long walk in the park or visit a part of the city we haven't been to in a while, or ever.  This summer we took a river cruise, which was so lovely. We try NOT to run errands during the date. As convenient as it would be to get some shopping done while the babysitter is still on the clock, a trip to Target is not romantic.

A couple of ways to save money on date night is to get friends or relatives to babysit (for free!) Or, exchange babysitting with another parent. Also, dates don't have to be at night. Brunch is lovely, and much less expensive! Plus you don't run the same risk of falling asleep in your dessert.

10th Anniversary of our First Date, last month.

2. We rescue each other. Parenting is hard work, and sometimes you just aren't have a good day. (or week) Even though we have a pretty good routine in place about who does what chore (Andrew does bedtime, I do the morning-get-out-the-door thing) - sometimes we each need a break.  Sometimes you can see that your partner is about to hit his breaking point during dinner, or if you do one more load of laundry you just might burst into tears. Tag team. Take a break. Hide in the bathroom. Put your headphones on and shut your door. It's okay for the other person to pick up the slack, just so long as you take turns helping each other out. 

Daddy is very good at taking the kids to the park when Mommy needs to stay home and clean veg out to Netflix.

3. We express our gratitude to each other. Even about mundane things. As in, "Thanks so much for folding all that laundry." Or, "That was delicious, thanks for making dinner." Of course the laundry is going to get done and dinner made, but it's so much more pleasant and supportive when you acknowledge each other's hard work. It helps remind you that you are in this together, and that even if the laundry is wrinkled or the dinner is instant mac and cheese, you're both trying your best. 

mmmm... oysters on the river cruise. Thank you!

A Lazy Mom's Guide to a Happy Thanksgiving

Dedicated to my mom. The original Amazing Lazy Mom.

Step 1: Don't cook. Make sure to announce to your family that you are not cooking so everyone can adjust their expectations accordingly.

Step 2: Get out of the house. Go watch a parade! What fun! Make sure to pack snacks, because hungry tummies are annoying. Also, scout the locations of bathrooms.

The classic.

Step 3. Let the kids play! Who is in a rush? Ramble around! Climb rocks! Enjoy the sunshine! There is nothing that needs to get done.

Who needs to watch a parade! There is a rock to climb!

So. much. better. than. turkey.

Step 4: Eat out. We have eaten Peking Duck for many Thanksgivings of my life. It's delicious, and you can order a ridiculous number of side dishes. Overeating is not culturally restricted. And, leftovers! We prefer loud, simple Chinese restaurants. Fancy is not for us, thank you very much.

Duck? Really?

At first very skeptical, but then chomping down!

Should read "yummy!"

Step 5: Go Home. Put on your pajamas and watch a movie. This is the best part. This year we were watching Elf and eating pie by 3:30PM. I baked pies, because I like pies and I like baking. But a truly lazy mom could have just broken out a tub of pumpkin ice cream and called it a day.

Step 6: Dinner? Who needs dinner!? Have some more pie.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wild Thing

...."His mother called him Wild Thing!".. .and he was sent to bed without eating anything." ***

Our 5 year old is currently spending the evening in her room, because she was just kicked out of Ballet school.

(Now, 5 year olds getting kicked out of ballet school is a little ridiculous, I know. Like how hard is it to keep 5 little kids in a straight line? Not THAT hard, I know from 15 years experience. But... anyway.)

Her spending an hour in her room isn't really teaching her anything, but it is giving me time to collect my thoughts and compose myself. Because getting told by an irate ballet instructor that your daughter can't come back is pretty much the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a Mom.  And the embarrassment - fear- shame - fury- cycle does not lead to good parenting.

I know from experience.

My daughter is having a hard time with rules and school and expectations. This is not a huge surprise.... she has always been a strong willed, energetic child. Now she's a strong willed, energetic child in Kindergarten, Afterschool, and Ballet class. And all of those places have reported this week, to various degrees,  dissatisfaction with her behavior.

"She doesn't listen!" "She's all over the place!" "I had to separate her from the group!" are common phrases from the past week's conversations with teachers, coaches and Ballet mistresses. And I, red faced with embarrassment, say, "I'm sorry. I know. I'll speak to her." because there is really nothing I can say that will assuage their anger and frustration.  Then I get in the car and compose myself yell at my daughter while trying to not run into trees.

So here is what I would say to Lily's teachers, if I could manage to remain composed and stay out of the shame spiral during these conversations.

"Our daughter is a strong willed, independent and very intelligent person. She does not follow rules because they are rules. She will obey the rules only if she sees that as the best option. She views instructions as optional, and commands as suggestions. She respects people who are consistent, smart, loving and who display special talents. She has no regard for titles. "The Principal" means nothing to her.  She values creativity, smarts and quickness over diligence and hard work. She very quickly learns which adults are not going to follow through.  She will see through your fake threats in a second. She can make herself cry real tears on command. She would win Oscars for her performances.  If there is an opportunity for mischief, she will take it, and she will take anyone around her who is willing with her. She is a leader, and loves an audience. If there is an opportunity to take the stage, she will. Even if that stage is the classroom/hallway/sidewalk. She knows she's adorable and she uses that to her advantage.

Our daughter has great capacity for empathy and kindness. She has know deep physical suffering in her little life, and she is very attuned to other's physical pain. She has a fascination with people, with the human body and with Life. She will ask the most amazing questions and come up with hilarious, imaginative stories. She can weave quite a tale. She is devoted to her family and to her closest friends. She values connection and communication above all else.

Our daughter is going to be an awesome adult. She is going to take the world (whatever corner of it she finds herself) by storm. I pray every day that she learns the value of hard work; because although her beauty and brains will take her pretty far, she will need to strive for true success.  She's going to be a leader. She's not going to let anyone get in her way or hurt her. She's going to be generous with her talents and find a spotlight to sing in. I pray every day that she learns the value of kindness. I pray every day that she will learn to live up to her namesake "Patience".

Until then, we must have patience with her, because amazing, strong-willed women start out as strong-willed, disobedient and challenging girls.

*** In an amazing coincidence, Where the Wild Things Are was in her book baggie the next night!

October

Happy October! It's been an interesting few weeks... and by interesting I mean, insanely busy and stressful and exhausting. Also, Lily and I had the stomach bug that is going around. I lost 8lbs in 3 days - on the most uncomfortable and most distressing diet ever. And I'm sure I gained it all back by eating nothing but plain pasta and Gatorade for the following week. 

I also ended up watching all the TV ever (or so it felt). So I'm all caught up on the Election-that-will-never-be-over, and all the crimes and all the shootings and all the political-inaction-that-will-never-end. 

There's plenty that I'm upset and disheartened by, but you really don't want to read my diatribe against the 2nd Amendment. (We heard the gunshots that killed a young man around the corner from our home. So, yup, taking it even more personally now.)

So in the interest in both our our sanities, and because it is a beautiful Sunday morning, here are some things that are making me happy these days.

L and her beautiful cousin L taking a Fall stroll to the park.

Celebrating Meskel a few weeks late (stomach bug!) with our traditional fire and marshmallows.

Impromptu Halloween decorations that make me smile.

Getting back into quilting after a 4 year hiatus. (Hmm... what have I been doing for 4 years!?!)

What is making you smile these days?

Having a Picky Eater is a Pain in the A$$.

Can I get an Amen?



So Lily started Kindergarten this month. (Hooray!) One day last week she forgot her lunchbox (containing a peanut butter sandwich and a container of grapes, as per usual) in the car. So, she had to eat school lunch.

The lunch ladies proudly informed me that not only did Lily eat her whole lunch, she also asked for a second piece of chicken. (My kids attend the school I work in, so I am kept informed of their every movement by my helpful colleagues. My kids LOVE this.)

I said, "Lily ate chicken?!"

Oh, yes, that's right. She ate a piece of DARK MEAT CHICKEN WITH THE SKIN STILL ON. And, RICE WITH VEGETABLES IN IT.

Why the all caps? Why am I freaking out about chicken?

Because if I had placed that same food in front of her in my home, she would have cried hysterically.

She is a Picky Eater. But only in my house.

This is what happens every night:

I put dinner (homemade, with starch and protein and vegetables, but nothing crazy, no weird sauces, nothing strange looking) on the table.

Daniel starts wolfing his food down before he's finished sitting, and I have to remind him to breath. He's asking for seconds before anyone has started eating. He's probably pushed his plate away or refused to eat something maybe 1/2 a dozen times in 4 years. And THANK GOD. Because:

Lily sees her plate and starts crying.

Almost every night, almost any plate of food.

This summer I had to feed her 3 meals and 2 snacks a day, and after about 3 days of fighting with her I threw in the towel. 5 times a day crying over food is just. too. much.

So this summer Lily ate:

french fries
pancakes/waffles
toast with butter
pasta with butter
peanut butter sandwiches
bacon
carrot sticks
fruit
hard boiled eggs (only the whites)
pizza

Repeat.
It really was incredible. I think that she may be one of those people who doesn't care about food.

....


And it's really strange to have one of those people in my family because I'm not even friends with people who don't food!

and ring pops. She loves ring pops

Sigh.

She's healthy. She's strong and she's tough and she runs fast and her cheeks are rosy. Somehow the toast with butter and the fruit is working for her. But God help me, her picky eating is a pain in my a$$.

First of all, I'm a good cook. So as much as I try not to take it personally, it's hard not to. Especially when she asks for a 2nd piece of school lunch chicken. Which is definitely not organic.

Secondly, it's hard to plan meals. I don't want to spoil her; I want to gradually increase the variety of foods she enjoys, but I also don't want so much drama and crying at dinner. I mean, I'm trying to eat! So I end up curtailing our menus a bit to try to include things she likes. So, we eat a lot of bacon, hard boiled eggs and pasta or bread.  I have this image in my head of our happy family happily eating dinner and all of our plates have the same food on them.  This rarely happens. Usually Daniel has the same thing as Andrew and I, with lots of salsa on top. And Lily has all of the white, plain elements and a side of carrot sticks.

Thirdly, eating out is so difficult. She will eat exactly one thing on a traditional Ethiopian plate, and not much of it.  French fries are available everywhere of course, but they are so unhealthy! And having to pay $7 for a plate of buttered pasta just irks me. So, we eat a lot of pizza. At least we are all enjoying the same thing!

Lily, in 20 years, I hope you have a healthy appetite and aren't one of those people who can't order off the adult menu. If you are still eating buttered pasta when you are grown up...

Until then, I will pour myself another glass of wine and grit my teeth before setting down the tear-inducing food.

Hot and Bothered.

This is how we feel at the end of the summer... like we are waiting for the party to please, just be over.

The first week of summer is all WOO-HOO! PARTY! SLEEP IN! ICE CREAM!

The last week of summer is all... please, just stop, no more, too hot, is it Fall yet?

We've had a great summer, really, it was awesome. But we're all a bit worn out from all the fun having and the ice cream eating and the not having any structure all day-ing. 

We are hungover from the Summer Party. 

School starts in one week. And like it always is here in NYC the week before school starts, it's hot. Melting, sweaty before you dry off from the shower, smelly, nasty HOT.  Makes picking out cute back to school sweaters tricky. Makes lying around next to the air conditioner very appealing. Everyone in my house is highly unmotivated to do anything. Everyone in my house is very grumpy. Summer hangovers will do that to you.

So to all those folks who are already back-to-school- Congratulations! 

And for us here in the baking Big Apple, hang in there...

August

This August the kids and I were lucky enough to enjoy four weeks at our family beach house in Maine. (Andrew, poor guy with a "normal" job, enjoyed 2 weeks.) I started the month feeling a little bit guilty that I was doing no "work" except for menu planning and grocery shopping- but then I realized that I was taking a month of Sabbath time. I was enjoying the fruits of my labor over the year and just being. Being a mom, being a daughter, being someone who floats around in the ocean thinking about nothing. It was heavenly.

And now we are home, it's September 1st and school starts next week. It's not so heavenly around here, just now. But that's the point of the Sabbath- to soak in some sunshine and peace to last through the back to school shopping and the endless whining over summer homework and screen time.

This was August:

on the road

can't get a better view

sand castle # 1

sand castle # 2, a prize winner!

candlepin bowling = harder than regular bowling

the fireman's slide, aka, "slip and slide" 

sailing cove

sailing race

swimming hole jumping

We are very, very blessed.

Let's hope that feeling lasts through my morning trip to pick up school supplies.

In lieu of...

Disney World or Land * (I always mix those up).... Lily and I headed to Sesame Place**!

I had to do something special for my girl, as I sent her favorite brother away to sleep away camp for a whole week!

Lily has no qualms about running up to the characters, nor does she have cognitive dissonance about knowing that there are real people inside. She loves all the walking giant fuzzy characters. She does think it strange that they don't talk. 

I'm so glad I followed the advice of online reviews and paid for a "Dine With Elmo" dinner. The characters weren't really accessible in the park. In fact, a couple of them rebuffed Lily's attempts at hugs and were pulled away by their handlers. If the pay-enormous-fees-for-prints photographer isn't there, no hugs!

The dinner was fun: A buffet of simple, kid-friendly food and a little show. Plus the characters are all hanging out in one room and there was plenty of time for photos.

Lily charmed the Count by trying to hide in his cape.

They sat together during the "Birthday Party" show.

Feeding Cookie Monster her cookie. I'm sure that has never been done before!

Not pictured, mercifully: me trying to get my butt out of the inflatable tube,  my crazed expression going down the water chute, or my face trying to hide my fear of heights at the top of Slide Mountain.  Lily was adorable throughout the day, saving her temper tantrum for the shoe store we stopped in on the way to the hotel to replace my broken flip flops. Apparently it was very, very important that she have all white sandals one size too small, and I am the meanest mom ever for denying her.

In all, it was a great day. The water rides were really fun and the park was clean and well staffed. We lucked out on a stormy/cloudy day- it wasn't crowded at all. Lily would have spent all day at Count's Splash castle, and I was pretty happy sitting poolside. 

I am in no way being compensated for writing about our fun day at Sesame Place. If Sesame Place wants to give this little blogger free passes for life... that's totally fine... 

* We've pretty much decided that Disney is out of our league, financially and patience-ly. Forgive us, Disney.

** I did have a few qualms about giving any money to Sea World (which owns Sesame Place), because I cried my way through Blackfish. But... there are no sad dolphins or tortured whales in the splash pad, thank goodness.

Harry Potter Birthday!

Decorations, before the children arrived

We had a Harry Potter birthday party! In April! But, you don't mind reading about it 3 months later, do you? Of course not! (thank you.) 

It was an awesome party, and since none of the kids noticed any of my handmade decorations (too busy running around screaming)... I'll share them here! I may have spent a lot of time on Pinterest while planning this party. Did you know some people had Harry Potter weddings!?! The world is a wonderful and strange place...

A hand painted Hogwarts Castle mural, complete with banners and "floating" candles.
(Actually toilet paper tubes with battery tea lights taped inside)

Our front door, aka "Platform 9 3/4"

It looks so simple on the outside...

Surprise! Jelly Beans inside! This was the highlight of the party, I think.

This actually worked! The mess and chaos stay contained on the main floors of our house.
And I don't even have a 3 headed dog!

This was actually from a few days later, but I had to show off. Daniel's spooky Diary of Tom Riddle cake, complete with "blood" (strawberry jam), and a fake basilisk tooth (actually a replica dinosaur tooth)

Next year I'm just ordering pizzas. Actually, who am I kidding, I LOVE this nonsense. They will only be kids for a few more years...  bring on the themed, crazy birthday parties!

Camp Mom

We are two weeks into vacation now, and so I feel qualified to call this summer's experiment in home-camping a modified success. 

For the past 3 summers I've had both kids in some kind of camp or day care for part of the summer.  Mostly for my own sanity, but also because each summer I had some kind of big project to accomplish. 2012: Painting and moving the kids bedrooms. Lots of Ikea furniture assembly.  2013: Moving (So much for all that hard work painting our condo.) 2014: Dealing with the fall-out from moving and construction. Lots of cleaning.**

This year... I really had no big reason to send them off to camp, nor the extra money to pay for it. So... 2015: "Camp Mom"!

I made up a schedule, I assembled some games and notebooks. I researched free and fun summer stuff to do (no shortage of that here in NYC.)  I even pondered making t-shirts.

So each day for the past 2 weeks we've started off the mornings with some school work. Daniel (I mean I) am determined to memorize those multiplication tables before 4th grade. So each day he cheerfully sits down with his notebook and flash cards. Actually there is a fair amount of grumbling and foot stomping, but not as much as I expected.

Here he is trying to think of other ways to make the number of the day. Lily is fooling around avoiding eating, which is her new favorite pastime.  I have no idea how she got so big, because she eats nothing. But that's another post...

After chores we head out to do something fun. Like this:

Lily flying away on a ride near the beach. She went on this one 4 times.

After our fun in the sun, we head home for our "screen time"* and while away the afternoon til Daddy comes home and rescues me we eat dinner.

*If it was up to me (and many doctors and researchers) I would eliminate screens from my children's lives completely. BUT, those screens do offer a tantalizing prize for managing behavior. They really will do anything to earn their screens, even CLEAN. So at the end of the day, they veg out while I make dinner. So far the fact that they know they can have screens at the end of the day keeps them from whining for them all the time. Mostly.

Here we are, being silly with fruit. I'm starting to do anything to get this girl to eat anything besides buttered bread.

This week, Daniel is away at sleep away camp for the first time. We dropped him off Sunday and I was a very brave mommy and did not cry. So far they have not called to tell me that he's refusing to eat the bland food, nor has he fallen off the cliff or developed some weird rash nor has he called home weeping. I'm sure he's having a wonderful time.

And that is what I will keep repeating to myself until we pick him up Saturday morning. Until then Lily and I will be brave together and have lots of fun fights about eating vegetables.

** I do have a long list of mini- projects I want to finish this summer. Like fix the whole in our bedroom ceiling and clean out the closets. Not surprisingly, I've got none of those things done.

March Madness, of a different sort

The snow is melting! (Not fast enough.)

Since January the Northeast has been battered by snowstorm after snowstorm, and freezing day after even more freezing day. I was doing okay with it, I really was. It was Winter; this is what Winter weather is like. Then 2 weeks ago we had one warm and sunny Sunday afternoon. The next morning it was freezing again, and I was done. D.O.N.E. I'd had a taste of comfort and sunshine and Spring and Winter was not welcome here anymore.

Here we are, another sunny and warm Sunday afternoon, and for once the forecast is not for more snow and freezing temps but actual warmth, and sunshine and the possibility that the snow that has been sitting in frozen piles for 3 months might thaw.

And it's disgusting. City snow does not melt attractively. Only the top layer is white. The layers underneath are different shades of gray and black and yellow. As the snow recedes it reveals the frozen garbage, animal feces, stray newspapers and coffee cups and forgotten, forlorn mittens. It's truly horrible, and it can't happen fast enough.

I feel like the melting snow is a good metaphor for my parenting right now... as the frozen Winter slowly slides away it is revealing some yucky stuff- the bad habits we developed while stuck inside. The nasty attitudes and the gripes and the grudges we're holding. We've been stuck inside for several months and we've all had quite enough of each other. My kids miss the park; they miss the freedom to run and choose their own games and socialize out of adult earshot. I miss the quiet that I can find outside on the sidelines of their fun, sitting in a park bench in the sun reading.  My kids' messiness, high energy and joyful loudness seems natural in the playground. Inside my house this Winter those same qualities have been driving me mad.

So here we are on the brink of warmth and freedom. Wearing snow boots and light jackets.  Looking longingly at our still 1/2 frozen backyard. I'm wondering which of our bad habits will shed easily, the way we threw off our jackets and mittens this afternoon? And which will, like the filthy blackened ice patches in the forgotten corners of our yard, I'll have to go at with a shovel and broom. Will we continue to fight so much about Mine Craft once we can all play outdoors? Will we still shout at each other each morning once there aren't quite so many layers to put on?

I live in hope.

Good New, Bad News

Andrew finished reading the Harry Potter Series to Daniel last week.*

The good news: Daniel and Lily are still very interested in "playing wands"... every long, thin object in our home is now a magic wand.

The bad news: Every long, thin object in our home is now a magic wand. I'm subjected to the killing curse about every 6 minutes.

The good news: Reading this challenging series has helped Daniel learn lots of vocabulary and grown his interest in literature.

The bad news: It's a very challenging series, and so he's constantly asking me to explain the finer points of plot. Especially when I'm driving.

The good news: Even Daniel admits that the movies are not as good as the books.

The bad news: We let Lily watch the movies too, and even though she SWORE she was not going to have nightmares, she did. So we both spent a restless night in my bed tormented by Voldemort's evil face.

*Andrew is the one who did most of the reading aloud, because I cannot (even after multiple re-readings) get through those books without crying.

Dumbledore: "Even now, after all these years?"
Snape: "Always."

3 Things That Surprised Me About Being a Mom

Everyone has crazy, romantic notions of what being a parent will be like until they actually become one. Since I became a mom after a 4 year emotional and physical marathon, I had plenty of time to fantasize inaccurately.  Here are the top three things I got REALLY WRONG....


1. It's Expensive. I mean, really EXPENSIVE.

Before Daniel and Lily came home, I did some preliminary calculations of what becoming parents would mean to our budget. I looked up the price of diapers and formula. I briefly considered what day care might cost. I knew having kids was expensive and shuddered at what college might cost.. but hey, college is a long way off and we'll join Costco and it'll be fine!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

 Ha.

First of all, Costco is awesome, but I've never walked out of there having "saved" any money.  I do get a good bicep workout from pushing an overloaded cart up and down the aisles though...

Secondly, diapers and formula are the tip of the iceberg of parental expenses. Soon you are buying underwear and socks and school uniforms and summer clothes and winter gear and shoes. Oh, dear God the shoes! I think I've gotten on top of their wardrobes and then Daniel grows out of or blows out the knees of his pants (or both), and Lily's shoes don't fit her and our "emergency" trip to the shoe store is costing me $100. I still haven't gotten over the sticker shock for a pair of boots we bought Daniel 2 years ago.

And then there are the activities and classes and lessons and class trips and water bottles and school supplies and end of year gifts for teachers and the sports equipment and the Frozen merchandise. Oh, the merchandise.

But the Frozen on Ice tickets?... Worth It.

And then there are the groceries. The special organic kind of yogurt that is the only one they will eat and the $5 a jar salsa that Daniel finishes off in a day.  And 4 different flavors of jam because each of us likes a different flavor of jam.  And the two different kinds of organic almond milk. And the bread, dear Lord the loaves of bread we go through!  Formula was a bargain compared to what we consume now.

And then there is keeping healthy - the hair supplies and the only kind of lotion that works on their skin which happens to be $10 a jar, even at Costco. The co-pays. The endless need for new toothbrushes. How does a jar of toothpaste only last a week? Last month the dentist was really pushing them to use mouthwash (There is a Frozen brand!)... and all I could think was, 'Great, ANOTHER expensive item to buy at Walgreens.' So now we have two new bottles of mouthwash, which they are going through at an alarming pace.

Anyway, what can I do- they have to brush their teeth. But if I could, I would gently tap my 2010 self and say, 'I know you are all kinds of excited about becoming a mom and all, but you might want to really start a sensible savings plan and give up ever buying new shoes for yourself because you, my dear self, are going to be BROKE.'*



2. It's not like teaching. Or rather, I'm a different mom than I am a teacher.

I've been a teacher for many more years than I've been a mom. So I thought I had the whole dealing with kids and all their annoying wonderful qualities down pat. I was so wrong about that.  Being a teacher is so different than being a mom. Or maybe, because I'm a teacher, I'm a different kind of mom? Or maybe, I have a finite amount of patience and tolerance for mess and they are pretty much used up at work?

All I know is, in the classroom I'm creative and patient and I love a good messy project! At home I'm strict and intolerant of any kind of mess and my patience is pretty thin.

Messy kids at school? No problem! Messy kids at home? I FREAK OUT.

I don't know why this is. I thought, before I became a mom, that I would LOVE to spend my days coloring and making things out of clay and empty boxes. Now I hide all our art supplies. I wouldn't even have any art supplies at all, but they keep coming home with homework assignments that require markers or glue. Damn teachers.

It may be that I'm terrified of mess because I have a daughter who thinks the whole house is her canvass, and who has a knack for finding the one and only permanent marker we own 10 seconds after I've hidden it. (HOW, how does she do that!?) After scrubbing marker off my couch and digging play dough out of my rug art projects are just so unappealing.  Now she does homework under my watchful eye, and then quick! as soon as she is done the markers go back on the high shelf.

Homework: a special kind of torture.
Reading with your (hates to read, reads poorly) child at home: another special kind of torture.

At work I have enormous reserves of patience for kids' learning curves. I've taught hundreds of kids to read -some with pretty significant learning challenges. When Daniel was struggling through his Kindergarten readers I would internally battle not to scream at him. "THE, the word is THE! It's on EVERY PAGE."

I lost that battle with myself more than once. Reading together was definitely not the idyllic scene I imagined pre-motherhood.  I'm so grateful that my now third grader does his homework all by himself in his room where I can't cringe over his handwriting or spelling errors. I'm pretty sure he is happy about that too.



3. It's bittersweet. 

Before I became a mom I imagine that life would be like a road with lovely sign posts marking the milestones... A Facebook movie of parenthood, if you will. That we would celebrate and cherish each wonderful "first" for our children and be constantly moving forward.

And we do: we've got the Facebook movie of first lost tooth and first days of school and first dance recitals.

But every milestone, for me at least, is tinged with sadness. The first time he loses a tooth is also the last time he will have all his baby teeth. It's one more step away from being my little boy. Away from me.

We are so happy to have Lily sleeping in her own bed (Shhh! Don't tell anyone! Don't jinx it!) But sometimes I miss having her warm little body snuggling next to me. When I rock her at night I often wonder, is this the last time I'll rock my baby to sleep? My baby who is starting Kindergarten next Fall and who barely fits on my lap.

Look at that sweet little face under that huge hat. 

Sigh. Andrew thinks I'm crazy. But every time I turn around my children seem to be three feet taller. There always seems to be both too much time ("Mom, can I play on the iPad? I'm BORED. Mom! I wet the bed! Mom! Mom! Mom!")... and never enough.

Which I why I'm still typing away in this little space- to force myself to record our days, both good and bad. To give me an excuse to look back at their sweet little faces, and to remember that I never did know what the future holds, and certainly don't now...


* I'm well aware than in the context of the real world (and certainly in the context of our Ethiopian-American family) we are hardly broke. We are lucky to live a very comfortable life. Or so my Visa statements inform me.

5 Things I'm doing okay as a mom...

 It seems like I've been a little down on my mommy- skills lately (Christmas pity party, check)... So I thought I would force myself to ponder what is going well in our house these days... Except I won't mention (yet) that there might be the slightest, slimmest possibility that our "bad sleeper" is actually sleeping most nights. Shhh! Don't tell anyone! Don't jinx it!

Okay, here we go; 5 Things I'm Doing Okay As a Mom:

1. I always buy plain white socks for the kids. Because who has time to match socks? NOT ME.

Queen Elsa of Spaghettiville

2. They eat vegetables and fruits! Mostly.
    This one started out as dumb luck on our part because my kids' innate food preferences were nurtured in an Ethiopian womb. Their First mom most likely ate only spicy lentils, vegetables and bread. Nary a processed food or chocolate bar in sight. Nature Vs. Nurture: tied again.
 (Daniel's preference for Doritos, and Lily's for dark chocolate is all my doing.)
    That being said, I do make a very conscious effort to buy, cook and encourage them to eat a good variety of healthy foods, and they both have a fairly good diet right now. Lily has finally made it to the end of her "running away from the dinner table in tears every night" phase. (She only does that 2-3 times a week now.) Daniel will eat Caesar salad with gusto.  He puts salsa on everything.  I've also managed to not pass on to them my own craving for something sweet after every meal. (I eat dessert after they've gone to bed. Bedtime is cause for celebration!)

We especially like to read shirtless.

3. They can both read. And LIKE reading.
   We have books all over our house, and we read together every day. Daniel has all the ridiculous super hero, Harry Potter related, comic strip, joke books- usually all spread out on the floor next to his bed, where he tossed them after his nightly reading session. Lily's got Doc, Barbie and all the Frozen characters cozied up next to her. I sometimes find her sleeping on top of a pile of books. One of our most effective incentives for getting through the bedtime -teeth brushing- pajama routine is threatening NOT to read to them.

Look at those curls!

4.  Lily's hair looks awesome.
   Again, nature vs. nurture: tied again. Lily has beautiful, strong, thick, glossy hair. It is a big part of our weekly routine to keep it that way! My braiding skills are pretty fair now, and Lily has chosen her favorite hair styles. She still hates washing it, but she's pretty patient with the combing and braiding.  Her hair, once teeny puffs of curls on her little head, now stretches down her back.

First time. No, seriously. 

5. We encourage their independence. This is a tricky one... BUT, despite our fears and our worries for them, we do let them play outside on their own. We do let them go around the corner on their scooters (so long as they stay together). We do encourage them to do things for themselves and for each other instead of always asking for help.  Sometimes it means waiting impatiently while the shoes are put on and praying as they carry armloads of dishes off the table, but so far we think their independence is a good match for their strong wills and self esteem. And G-d damn it one of these days Lily is really going to be able to put her own seat belt on!