How to Survive a Vacation with your children...

bring your babysitter with you!

hahahahahaha... just kidding. But wouldn't that be great!?!

We are just finishing up a long stay at a family beach house. We are very, very blessed to have this beautiful place to get away from city life, and it has been a gorgeous month.

However... I am also really, really happy that the kids are starting camp on Monday morning! I will be dropping them off with a big smile, a hearty wave and a relieved "See you in 8 hours kids!!!"

Because let's be honest: a vacation with your children is not really a vacation. It can be lovely fun, but it's not exactly a loll around on your beach towel reading for hours kind of thing. As soon as you get all comfortable on your beach towel and open up that book you've been dying to read... some little person who's well-being you are responsible for needs to use the bathroom, or is hungry, or has fallen and scraped their hands, or is desperate to show you the dead crab they just fished out from the ocean.

You will never finish that novel.

Here are my tips for enjoying yourself while vacationing with kids.

demonstrating their excellent restaurant manners

1. Keep It Simple.  Food = Simple. Activities = Simple. Wardrobes = Simple.

Pretty much every day this month we got up, ate some toast or cereal for breakfast, put on our bathing suits and went swimming. We went to the beach.  Or we went to the other beach. Or the lake. Or the swimming hole.  Then we ate some sandwiches, fruit and carrot sticks for lunch. Then the kids ran around or played ball or rode their bikes or we went swimming again. Then we ate nachos for snack. (Daniel is a HUGE fan of nachos. We went through 8 bottles of salsa this month. 8 large bottles.) Then we went up to the ice cream parlor and got some ice cream. Then we started cocktail time dinner (spaghetti/mac n cheese/rice and beans, repeat), read some books, and went to bed. When it rained we visited the local library, or they watched movies on the computer or played in the attic. There were occasional trips to town to visit the five and dime and the grocery story for bribes toys and more salsa. Sometimes we put ourselves through hell went to a restaurant to eat. Other than that, it was peanut butter, nachos, ice cream and spaghetti. Bathing suits and bikes.

super excited to have taught his cousin how to make his favorite treat!!!

2. Try to keep the adult:child ratio balanced. 

My minimum for a vacation is a 3:2 adult:child ratio. That way, one person watches the kids, another one is cooking/cleaning/doing laundry/running errands, and the third person gets to relax. Keep rotating, and for at least 1/3 of the time, you get to relax! And, you also get the fun of fighting with the other two folks about who is spending more time doing chores and who is getting away with too much relaxing. It's just really not a family vacation without that argument.

swimmin' hole. no fear.

3. Keep Stocked Up.

You may have little people to keep alive, but this is still your vacation. So, stock up on your favorite vacation treats! We always have a ready supply of good strong coffee, chilled white wine, cocktail mixers, and sweets. My pants are bit snug, but my spirit is loose.

4. Put them to bed early.

Lily has been heading up to bed around 6:30PM this month. Daniel is in pajamas by 7:30PM.  Yes, it's light out til 9PM, and yes the neighbor kids are still out riding their bikes... but no matter. Bedtime! By 8PM, the house is quiet, and I have time to pour myself another glass of wine herbal tea and enjoy my vacation. Lily will be climbing into my bed by 6AM to wake me up, and by 7AM the house is a unholy noisy mess again.  The day time is theirs, the evenings are mine.

If you don't put them to bed early, how will you ever finish that novel?

It's all about the ice cream.

5. Relax the rules, but not all the rules.

One thing I want my children to learn is that whether we are on vacation or at home, we are a family who helps each other out. So, since I still need to cook and do laundry, the kids still need to do chores. Tables must be cleared, toys picked up, garbage taken out. There has been a fair amount of grumbling about this, but not too much louder than the grumbling I hear at home.

On the other hand, it is vacation. So yes, you can eat ice cream every day. And yes, we will get that ridiculous toy from the bargain bin that will probably break in 5 minutes but be glorious, if brief, fun.  Yes, you can have nachos for breakfast. Yes we will listen to that ridiculous song on the radio, again.

And yes, we will take you to the lake to swim for 4 hours. I need to tire you out, anyway, so I can get you to bed early and start enjoying my vacation.

How do you survive enjoy family vacations?

broken rubber band

Most toddlers, when you take them to a wide open area like a park or a beach, will run and run for a few yards, and then turn back to look at you. Then they will laugh and run very quickly back to you.  It's like they have an invisible rubber band attached to them that runs between them and you (mommy/daddy).  If they run too far, the rubber band pulls them back, fast.

Lily came home with us at 15 months. She had just learned to walk, and for the first couple of weeks she still had that step-step-stumble-fall walk of a young toddler. As soon as she got steady on her feet though, she took off.

We took her to wide open places and she ran and ran and ran. It was clear, her rubber band was broken. 12 months in a care center without a mommy or daddy to run back to will do that.

Sometimes I let her run away from me, just to test and see how far she would go. Would she ever turn around?

She never did. She just kept going. My own heart, my own aching rubber band, would snap, and I would chase after her and catch her up.  But it was clear, she would have kept on going.

Lily, you may have noticed, is something of a dare devil. If there is a sharp object within reach, she is picking it up (and when she was younger, putting it in her mouth. Let's see if this steak knife from the dishwasher mommy is unloading is really clean.) If there is a body of water to jump in, she jumps. If there is a tall tree or hill or large rock, she is climbing it. If there is a cliff or porch railing or window ledge, she is leaning over it. If there is a set of wheels to ride, she is on it. Running into traffic? That's so fun! Disappearing into crowds? Loves it! I have been paged over the YMCA loudspeaker to come get a (pantsless) child from the bouncy house she refuses to leave. I have grabbed her from the jaws of death (oncoming cars and trucks) three times.

This child has taken years off my life. YEARS.

And yet, she is still alive. Steak knife in the mouth at 16 months? Not a scratch.

Diving into a busy street? Fine.

Tumbling off of a high rock? Not a bruise.

She really does have a guardian angel.

A couple of days ago we took the kids to a huge beach near us. Waves! Sand! They were thrilled, and the waves were so much fun they didn't notice the water was like ice.

At this beach there is a large rocky island that you can walk out to at low tide. We all started towards it, but Daniel got distracted by the waves and we stopped to let him jump for awhile. Lily, though, wanted to get to the top of that island. She took off. I stood at the bottom of the slope, watching her, conducting the test again. Just how far and how high will she climb before she turns around? Has her rubber band, after 3 years with us, been stitched together at all?

She climbed and climbed and climbed without a glance back. Soon, she was out of sight. I had a vision of the waves crashing on the rocky ledge I knew was on the other side of the island. I started climbing after her.

Lily, as an adult, will be able to climb so high. She is so fearless, so ready to take on the world. Perhaps by then, we will have stitched together enough of the rubber band that she will not leave us behind.

Three things I'm glad we brought to visit our Ethiopian family...

and a couple of things I'm glad we didn't bring...

We visited our Ethiopian family in April, 3 years after Daniel and Lily came home to America. I say "our" Ethiopian family because "birth family", although accurate, makes it sound like the family gave birth to D and L, and that's it. End of story.  One of the many, amazing, eye-opening things I've learned through being an adoptive mother is that adoption is never, ever, the end of the story. Daniel and Lily were born to a family in rural Ethiopia, and raised by them for years (in Daniel's case), and now they are being raised by us in urban America. But they are still Daniel and Lily's family, and by extension, ours.  ("Forever Family" is another commonly used adoption phrase I have given up. Daniel knows, all too well, that "forever" is a myth. And their family of birth is still their family forever  just not the family currently making them eat peanut butter sandwiches or do homework.)

I like to think of our kids' birth family as a kind of "in-law" family relationship. Really, really, super complicated long distance in-law family relationship. We were very lucky and blessed that our visit in Ethiopia went so well.  We spent an intense, magical four hours filling ourselves up on our love for our collective children. We looked at each other, eyes shining with love, marveling at the miracle of being in the same room together.

But it was awkward... to say the least!

Here are three things we brought that helped make this visit a success. *

1. A instant print camera. (What used to be known as a Polaroid.)  We found a tiny Japanese camera that printed little photos. It was not crazy expensive or fragile.  We used it to take photos of us all together, and of our kids with their Ethiopian relatives, and then gave the photos for the family to keep. (We took photos with our regular camera at the same time.)  Watching the photos "develop" was lots of fun for both the kids and adults. And we were able to give our family a lasting keepsake of our time together.

2. An indestructible soccer ball. One World Futbol (http://www.oneworldfutbol.com) makes very tough, hard to destroy or wear out soccer balls. Each purchase donates a ball to an African community organization. We bought two, one for our home in NYC, and one to bring to Ethiopia. We met with our family at a local school, and as soon as we took out the ball all of us headed into the school's recess yard to play. Within minutes all the children and all the men (fathers, translators, drivers) were kicking a ball around. The language and social barriers dissolved and the initial tension of meeting our family evaporated.  Not surprisingly, all the Ethiopians have crazy good soccer skills. Even the tiny just-walking baby could pass the ball easily.

Lily and her sister T----- in their matching blue dresses. Lily still wears it, calling it her "T----'s dress".

3. Matching shirts and dresses for the children.  This is a tricky one, because bringing any type of gift can really create problems for your family and your family's community.** In this case, we relied on our (limited) understanding of Ethiopian culture, and my instincts. It was around Easter time, and a traditional gift for Ethiopian holidays is new clothing. There were many, many Ethiopian-Americans traveling to visit family, and all of them at the airport had huge, enormous suitcases- probably filled with presents for relatives. We were visiting our family, so we brought the children some new clothes.

Gift giving for visiting is also expected in American culture. Would you ever show up at your in-laws empty handed? No, you would not.

We brought matching t-shirts for all the boys, including Daniel. We brought matching dresses for the girls, including Lily.  When we took them out, all the children immediately put the new clothing on and everyone clapped and cheered. And here is where my mommy instincts were right on... Before the children put on their new clothes, we were an obviously poor family in almost rags, and an obviously wealthy-ish family in newish clothing. After the children changed we were one family, laughing. Look- we are all wearing the same clothes! Next time, I'm bringing silly matching t-shirts for everyone! (I'm thinking: I LOVE NY would be fun.)

The one thing I wished we'd brought, and will hopefully remember next time, is a simple illustrated book about where we live. Then we could have avoided the fruitless 20 minute explanation of snow that ensued after a relative's innocent question about the weather.... It does not snow in Ethiopia. Try explaining snow to someone who has no experience of freezing. And try to keep a North-Eastern American from complaining about the weather after the winter we'd just had!

Anyway, a simple children's book about New York will be coming with us next time...



* We are incredibly lucky to have a relatively uncomplicated birth family situation. Our Ethiopian family is extraordinarily lucky to be mostly healthy and whole right now. (God willing, they will remain so.) Sadly, not every "in-law" family has the kind of situation that allows for happy visits. This advice is meant for visits with intact, relatively healthy and secure family members.

** Two things I'm glad we didn't bring:

1. Any money, food or any other gifts for our Ethiopian family. Not that they don't need it; they do. They have a tough life. But if they brought back some cash or a big bag of rice to their village, and explained that it was from their relinquished children's new American family... how many more children will be relinquished, abandoned or worse- stolen or sold- in order to possibly ensure the health and safety of their families? Just the color photos and the brand new t-shirts is more than most in their village have or ever will have.  Adoption fraud and child trafficking happen in communities that are desperate. We are trying, perhaps ineptly, to stay connected with our family without adding to the incentives that already exist for exploitation and un-ethical adoption.

2. Our i-phones, jewelry, fancy bags or cameras.  In a small Ethiopian town we are conspicuously rich Americans, there is no escaping that. Even an Ethiopian who has never left the village of her birth knows that plane tickets are not cheap.  But, we tried not to show off. I wore only a simple wedding band. We wore plain, simple clothing. We brought only the basics with us: our identification, our camera, a bit of cash, a water bottle.  I carried it all in a simple canvass bag.

Families who have visited "back home"... what did you bring, and why?